i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The beer is more important than you right now.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
