Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
