Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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