Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
