Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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