my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
