living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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