Champagne is a vitamin, right?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
