she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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