i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
