Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
