i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
