somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
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im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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