sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Randomize
