i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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