In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I looked at my own cervix.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
