I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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