You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
