I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
