just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
