i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
