we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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