Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
