there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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