great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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