My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
