smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
