two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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