wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
did i walk over a car last night?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
