You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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