i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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