Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
