Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
