First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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