haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
