tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
