her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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