awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
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Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
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Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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