I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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