Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
