Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
