We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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