My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
