can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
