The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
