I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
