It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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