You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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