the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
