Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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