Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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