hotel room ftw
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
