does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
