it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
