I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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