I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
