Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
