Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.