may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line