he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
