apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
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Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left