Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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