If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
